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Opium of the People
by Ian McLaren
Another tall tale from the saloon bar philosophy group at the Titanic Refloated.
The king suddenly woke up in the middle of the cabinet meeting. Almost
inevitably, the conversation was still about finance, or the lack of it. Thus
his outburst was less irrelevant than it might have been.
“I’ve got it! We’ll turn ourselves into a religion, so we won’t have to pay
any taxes.”
The chancellor of the exchequer turned and looked at him. “Sire, we collect
taxes, not pay them. Our problem is that there aren’t enough taxes.”
The king was on a roll now. “If we become a church, we can collect tithes
as well. We can have jumble sales, weekly collections and sell church ale.”
The chancellor remained unimpressed. “The problem is, no one has the money
to pay any more taxes or tithes, or to spend at jumble sales.”
The king was still feeling perky after his doze. “Surely, if we choose a
vicious enough god, they’ll be frightened into paying up. Or perhaps we could
get god to force them to work for the church for nothing?”
The minister for pig farming and the arts shyly put his hand up. “Couldn’t
we have a religion that promised people unlimited wealth and sex in the next
life? All they would have to do is god’s work in this life.”
So the minister had to put his pig-farming-and-art-support activities to
one side. “How much reward would people want? They’d need free beer, obviously,
and cheap food, not to mention the other standard benefits of paradise. And
how much work would they do for that? A week every year wouldn’t be too much
to ask, would it?”
But how do you convince them that they will get the payoff in the afterlife
if they do the work now? Obviously a big advertising campaign is out of the
question – it would cost money. A signed contract from a solvent deity would
do the job, but there aren’t any listed in the Yellow Pages. It would have to
be a celebrity endorsement. “Believing in god got me to where I am today”.
The king was convinced, after three glasses of acorn brandy.
“Of course I hold my position by the grace of god. You could aspire to the
same thing, on behalf of your grandchildren, if your daughter happens to marry
my son and heir. Just think, these benefits would come to you just for one
week’s work a year!”
So you are not gullible, and you want your rewards in this life? Come and
work at the London Drinker Festival at the end of March and blessings (not to
mention free beer and cheap food) will shower down on you.
Ian McLaren is a freelance writer and philosopher. For coaching
and training services, see his web site at
www.ecoached.com. He is also Staffing Officer for the London Drinker Beer
and Cider Festival – for staffing forms see the Branch web site at
www.camranorthlondon.org.uk
or phone 020 8376 3266.
Reproduced from the Full Pint, Issue 39.
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