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Authority
by Ian McLaren
Another tall tale from the saloon bar philosophy group at the Titanic Refloated.
The beer lovers' group was meeting in the corner, trying to
decide on the Kingdom Pub of the Year. They weren’t getting
very far. There were three serious nominations, and the
group were split at least three ways. At least all the pubs
served their beer well: it was the other features that caused
the dissent.
The Lounging Lizard is a superior place: the owners would
like to think of it as a restaurant, but no-one in the kingdom
will pay those prices. It bans smoking, welcomes children
and has two standard ales on its handpumps. The customers
organise all sorts of community events: the bridge club and
the neighbourhood watch meet here. There are fresh flowers
on the bar and in the toilets.
The King's Arms is more your typical local boozer – plenty of
guest beers, working sawdust (it keeps the bloodstains off
the floorboards), toilets you can smell and cigarette smoke
you can see from across the road, no food and no kids. It is
also extremely popular, generates great conversations and is
always packed.
The Red Lion is the epitome of compromise. They have one
guest beer, from a restricted list. The lounge bar allows in
children: there are pub snacks and sandwiches. The public
bar allows smoking and has a dart board. The problem is,
the place has no atmosphere. Visitors wander in, have a
drink and a snack, and wander off. The landlord is never
there, and you are served by a series of uninterested foreign
bar staff, who leave before the boredom drives them to suicide.
"If only there were some rules we could follow, that would
tell us what are the important features", complained the
secretary. "What is more important – hygiene or freedom to
smoke? A good beer range or a good range of food? Atmosphere
or decorum?"
Then the king came in. "Kingdom Pub of the Year?" he
barked. "No choice. Has to be The Last Resort. Only place
that will give me credit. Beer’s a bit variable, but you can’t
have everything. Now, who’s buying?"
Ian McLaren is North London CAMRA branch secretary.
His company e-coached (www.ecoached.com) is the internet coaching company for
busy professional people who may have realised that they need some assistance
to make full use of their time and abilities.
Reproduced from the Full Pint, Issue 35.
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