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The Pubbit and the Lords of the Pump
by Ian McLaren
Another two contributions from the saloon bar philosophy group at the Titanic Refloated.
Brokenspear the Pubbit was crying into his beer. A vast vat of beer. A vast vat of beer that he could not sell at a profit. Oh, yes, he had his own pubs, and they would pay good money, and he had lots of eager customers, well outside his part of the Shire, but the monsters were taking over the market.
In the golden years, every pubbit had brewed for his own houses, and knew how much he could make and sell. Then, one day, a fairy had arrived in the Shire. She was called Miss Monopsony, and had given them three wishes. So the pubbits got together, and they made their wishes, and lo, they were granted. The Five Great Barons of the Brew were restrained from buying more breweries, and made to sell the pubbits beer in their inns. And the customers found the taste of the pubbits' beers good, and wanted them.
But the Five Great Barons said "Blow this for a game of soldiers". They sold their pubs and their breweries, and went off to lose their fortunes in other trades. The breweries were bought by foreign giants and the pubs by gangs of ogres. The first and biggest of these ogre gangs was led by Mura the Gnome, who had a great plan. "Our inns make much money, but they can make more". He put up the rent, and sold the tenants their beer himself. So then he had to buy the beer. In vast amounts. So he could go to the foreign giants and say "Cut your price or I'll buy elsewhere". And he could go to the pubbits and say "Cut your price or I'll buy elsewhere". And the prices were cut. And the foreign giants barely noticed. And the pubbits cried into their beer.
Then Tim the White built a chain of huge inns, all called The Submerged Satellite. And he listened to his customers, and sold good beer at cheap rates. But his empire grew large, and he could go to the pubbits and say "Cut your price or I'll buy elsewhere". And the prices were cut. And the pubbits cried into their beer.
So a delegation of pubbits went to plead with Miss Monopsony for some more wishes. They saw her purse-carrier, Gordon the Brown, who tossed them a few pennies and told them to be grateful. But as soon as the ogres found out, they cut the price they were offering for the beer. And the pubbits cried into their beer.
Then the pubbits realised that they had to find their own salvation. They banded together, and refused to pay the huge discounts. A grey cloud covered the Shire, because the ogres would not buy from them. So the customers rose up against the ogres, because they wanted to buy the pubbits' beers. And the fog of war merged with the cloud, so the outcome cannot be seen.
We just hope there is some beer to cry into.
Christmas Beers
I thought that I would look through the new Good Beer Guide for Christmas beers - there are over eighty listed!
What does Christmas mean to you? Well, you name it, and almost certainly at least one brewery has a beer with a name punning it. Santa and Rudolph come off worst - Santa has Claws (Bank Top), a Nightmare (Evesham), a Wobble (Hog's Back), a delay in deliveries (Happy Hooker Santa's Scored) or even a brush with Groucho Marx (Rockingham Sanity Clause). Rudolph is usually Ruddy (Cotleigh, Plassey) or has Revenge (Cropton, Packhorse), but can get Rocket Fuel (Fenland), a Rocking (Hardy & Hanson) or Ruin (Rudgate).
In terms of decorations, Blackpool has Christmas Lights, and Buffy an interesting sounding Hollybeery, but the most popular are Crackers (Church End, Teighnworthy, Wickwar) or, according to Mallard, Quismas Quackers. The beers sold under these names seem to represent almost every style and strength of beer - from 3.8% (Rectory Christmas Cheer) upwards, and from White (Orkney) to Black (Whim).
Personally, I'll take a pint of Harvey's Christmas Ale, or a bottle of Gale's Christmas Ale - dark, strong, sweet winter ales to sip with, or instead of, Christmas pudding.
On the continent, things are rather more restrained. There are two main types of Christmas beer in Belgium - the "Scotch" style - strong, sweet, bitter ales with a caramel finish and the Walloon style - darker, fruitier and often stronger. Typical examples would be Campbells Christmas and Ter Dolen Kerstbier in the first category and Abbey des Rocs Speciale No.l in the second. Germany has only just started to produce Christmas beers - usually in the Marzen (5.5% amber lager) style, often for Christmas markets. There is one exception , the strong, black wheat beer Aventinus, from Schneider in Munich. Delicious! Beyond that, two oddities stick out. Switzerland is host to the strongest Christmas beer, the mighty Samichlaus (Santa Claus: 14%). In San Fransisco, the Anchor Steam Brewery makes a beer called Merry Christmas, Happy New Year - usually a spicy, moderately strong beer made to a new recipe each year, but unfortunately only sold in pasteurised form.
The OBER Festival at Essen (near Antwerp) on 14-15 December claims to stock every Belgian Christmas beer.
Reproduced from the Full Pint, Issue 18.
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